


Hoped For, but Not Expected

by Darkmirror



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Does Not Go Well, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25542994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkmirror/pseuds/Darkmirror
Summary: Sad reveal one-shot. "The worst part was he had expected no different. Desperately hoped for it yes, but not expected it and that hurt the most." Arthur has discovered Merlin's secret and does not accept him.
Kudos: 35





	Hoped For, but Not Expected

**Author's Note:**

> This is AU-ish now that the series is over but when I initially wrote this it was not.

He stood there, heart and world shattering, yet coming together all at once forming the new life he had hoped to never have to face. The worst part was he had expected no different. Desperately hoped for it yes, but not expected it and that hurt the most. To have held his hopes so high, to have believed that he would understand- would accept him!- only made his fall back to reality harder. It left Merlin with a yawning, empty feeling in his very soul as all his hope was destroyed by the single gesture of a retreating back. One he now had to accept and could say nothing against. 

He had hoped Arthur would accept him, his magic; understand his need for the lies and validate all of his sacrifices, but after years of hiding and watching he realized he had never expected that outcome.

He had lied to Arthur throughout their entire friendship. Had continuously broken the very laws Arthur had sworn he would uphold. He had taken all of Arthur’s trust and faith in him and thrown it in his face. Merlin had proved again that Arthur could trust no one. That trusting others with his secrets did not mean they did the same. That bearing his heart openly to another did not guarantee reciprocity and Merlin had seen the hurt that final nail in the coffin had caused Arthur, the confirmation that he was truly alone. At the same time that retreating back taught Merlin himself the same lesson- he could trust no one. 

He was alone again and he now realized he always had been. Even amongst his friends he had been alone and fought alone. None had truly known or understood- except perhaps the deceased Lancelot. Despite the chaos in his heart he knew nothing had changed in that regard. 

_ Perhaps it was best this way _ , he tried to reason, attempting to shield his pained heart that last little bit. After all, most loved ones who had discovered his secret and accepted him had ended up suffering or dying.  _ Horribly _ , he realized as Will, Freya, Lancelot and Balinor’s deaths danced in his mind’s eye, rehashing wounds that never healed. Images of his mother, collapsed and dying because of his wish to the Cup of Life, flashed through his mind. Gaius’s tortured body after Alator’s attempts at extracting Merlin’s secrets from his mind, all flooding him with new waves of guilt. Maybe Arthur walking away and not accepting him was what would keep Arthur safe and alive. Merlin hoped so. With all he was he hoped so.

Merlin had always prepared for this reaction and while he had hoped, fervently, that his best friend would trust him, give him a chance to explain, to show him he could still believe in him, that not all magic was evil, he had accepted in his heart long ago, to some degree, that that would probably never happen. 

It had been what he would do after his King’s reaction, good or bad, that had consumed and distracted Merlin’s mind during these dark thoughts, and he had found his answer did not change regardless of how the Once and Future King reacted to his magic.

His destiny was to help Arthur unite the lands of Albion and return magic to the realm. Whether or not the King of Camelot forgave him did not change that. Merlin had a responsibility, nay a  _ destiny _ , to fulfill for those with magic and he would do it. 

All Arthur’s answer changed was how easily he would achieve that destiny. And how much of Merlin’s heart would be left by the end.

_ How is it that something so hollow can weigh so much? _ Merlin wondered at the feeling of the black canker in his chest where his heart had once been.  _ How was it that something so essential to life could shatter so utterly and yet not kill you? _

Watching that back retreat out of sight Merlin turned back to his enemy of the moment. It was easier to focus on anything other than that back and the corrosion its sight caused within him. The glee in Morgana’s eyes began to bubble out her mouth in laughter. 

“Did you really expect anything different  _ Emrys, _ ” Morgana hissed as she reigned in her manic laughter.

“No, I didn't.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading:)  
> If you liked it please leave a kudo and/or comment!


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